Nerves

They settle in during the days preceding a race, spreading their tendrils throughout my psyche, burrowing into my soft gray matter, lingering on the peripheries of my consciousness.  

Nerves. No matter the distance, nerves, like an unwelcome guest, always arrive when it’s most inconvenient, on the eve before a race. 

I felt them the night before my first 5K, the night before my first half marathon, and the night before my first 50K. And on this evening, the night before my first attempt at running 50 miles, I feel those nerves again. They come complete with a nagging anxiousness that’s plunged an anchor deep into the depths of my abdomen. They've physically manifested during my runs this past week, ushering in flurries of doubt that chase me like pestering mosquitos.

Why are these ten miles such a slog?

Are my ankles sore and unsteady?

Uh oh, is that a flare-up of plantar fasciitis? 

During my recent runs, my thoughts have swum from buoyed worry to buoyed worry, my frenetic mind only focusing for so long on one worry before being dragged by the current to another. And now, the jitters are only amplified by the fact that I’ve taken today off from running. Restless leg syndrome is quite serious right now as I type this. 

But quite honestly, the pinball nature of my worries gives me confidence for tomorrow. Why’s that? Because I’m a natural worry-wart. If there’s anything I’m good at, it’s making mountains out of molehills. Just ask my friends or relatives. And usually, I’m the only one that suffers as a result of my worrying.   

Now, don’t take that as me suggesting that running ultras is easy. It’s not, by any stretch of the imagination. However, I do believe that the masses are capable of running ultras. And with that in mind, I do believe that I can run 50 miles tomorrow. 

So why worry? Why doubt? When I take a step back and consider those questions, it highlights how worrying seems like such a fruitless endeavor. 

What doesn’t seem fruitless? Belief. It’s the antithesis of doubt, and for sure as hell a lot more fun. 

I have to remember that in moments when I’m weighed down by doubt, I have the capacity for belief, for belief in myself that I’m capable of accomplishing the task at hand. 

Tomorrow’s task is 50 miles. 

What comes next? Well, we’ll see.